


a lost feeling (and it doesn't go away)

by noctemlux



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Lost Love, M/M, Unrequited Love, lmaO i'm such an angsty person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 00:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6172429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noctemlux/pseuds/noctemlux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He starts falling out of love.</p><p>- a painful process for the one who still can't let go</p>
            </blockquote>





	a lost feeling (and it doesn't go away)

**Author's Note:**

> ohohohoho, i should finish my other series first but first, i'm a hoe for kaixing and ironically; the ship name is chinese pinyin is happy but here i am writing hardcore angst. save me.  
> i have nothing against kaisoo, (i just cAN'T write about it) so beware, this is only mentioned kaisoo, it's mostly just angst kaixing.

He didn't know when it started. 

It was always small cuddles with Yixing after performances, snuggles and happy chatter. But now it's been reduced to quiet and uncomfortable silences. Neither of them speak up about it but slowly, they drift apart. From the best buddies and the person behind his every smile, Yixing now was just a nobody to him. He didn't have the heart to tell him, but they both know, a silent imprint in their brains. They stopped talking, to the point where even the band members started noticing but no one dare spoke up. The late night texts when Yixing would be off acting, all gone and Jongin is pretty sure he can't even remember the last time he even wanted to talk to Yixing.

Yixing never stopped trying. He would fade into the shadows once in a while but he never disappeared for sure, Jongin wished he would just stop. He didn't want it anymore, he didn't want him, he didn't love him anymore. Why couldn't Yixing just get that? 

It wasn't always like this. They were once happy and their fans poured over the 'fan service', but Jongin started talking to Kyungsoo more on stage and it just, escalated. He stopped glancing at Yixing when he talked instead taking the time to focus on Kyungsoo. The managers told him to keep doing it and that it would be good for fan service so Jongin never made a point to stop. 

At first, the looks of adoration and the hugs on stage were all practiced and rehearsed. He's done it enough times to know the fans absolutely love it and they were one of the biggest ships in all of Exo. Jongin was uncomfortable because he was still with Yixing but Yixing only smiled at him in that dimpled way and told him that it was okay, it was alright. With the manager's approval, Yixing's approval, he never did stop.

* * *

Yixing never knew where he went wrong. He spent nights in the dorm, miles away from his band members, crying quiet tears as to why Jongin and him became so distant. The pictures of Jongin and Kyungsoo always appear on his feed, some photoshopped, some very much real and Yixing can't do anything except smile his little smile and laugh it off. Keeping up his image of Lay, he was a happy little unicorn. Depicted as such by all their fans. He knows he doesn't stand much a chance against kaisoo,  _the_ ship of Exo. So everytime they potrayed fan serviced, Yixing kept smiling his bright smile and looked everywhere except there. 

Their little moments are now all broken and he can only look through the memories. He misses them so much, to the point where he's almost willing to do anything to recover it. But to make love work, it's got to be mutual. Yixing learns the hard way.

He is filming in China for a new movie, and can only watch Exo performances on fancams, Jongin is breathtaking as usual and of course, he is placed with Kyungsoo with Peter Pan. Painful isn't it, this thing called love. But Yixing only claps shut his laptop and shuffles further into his bed. Nightmares attacked him that night. It's only when he wakes up that he realizes;

the nightmares are real.

* * *

 

Jongin feels sorry for Yixing. He really does. But he never says a word. He doesn't say a word when he sees his hyung smoking in the alleyway, dropping the cigarette to the ground and aggressively pushes it down with his foot. He doesn't do anything when the smell of alcohol always lingers around Yixing, to the point where the makeup noonas have to use excessive cologne to cover it up. They all don't say a word. But they all know.

It is in the way all the band members stare at him, like he committed a crime so harsh that he deserves death. He knows he is the sole reason behind Yixing's locked doors and the loud noise of music compositions with the same lonely, painful melody. He knows he messed up but he can't find ways to apologize because he appreciates what he has now and he's been selfish his whole life. Jongin thinks he does deserve pain because Kyungsoo always shy away from his touch whenever Yixing pops up and god, the heartbroken look on Yixing kills him. 

But he can't do anything about that. He can't do anything about a broken heart that he can't mend. 

He realizes all this after the excessive amount of kaisoo fan service that Jongin hesitates. He hesitates not because of the bright lights, or the amount of fans screaming or the fact that Kyungsoo is so, so close and he smells so good. He hesitates because he knows Yixing is watching and he is pretty sure they both realize the same thing at the same time.

It couldn't be considered fan service anymore.

* * *

He laughs, but coughs because his lungs are choking up inside. He coughs because there is something stuffing up his throat and he coughs again because it hurts too much. It is in that moment, Yixing coughs so hard, that Jongdae wakes up, startled by the loud disturbance. A worried expression flickers on Jongdae's face but Yixing only waves him away, telling him to sleep and that he was fine, nothing big, just a cold.

It is what he had told everyone. Just a cold. Just a really bad cold that lots of chicken soup would surely heal. The members only give him looks of pity and concern and they try to console him but he doesn't want it. So all he does is lock himself up at nights, composing songs that all harbor the same melody. Everyone avoids the topic but he knows, some have personally talked to Jongin.

Yixing tells them that there really is no need, he is fine, and all he needs is just everyone's happiness. It is true. Everyone is happy if not for Yixing's continuous coughing fits and his broken heart but they are happy. Jongin is happy and Yixing does not want to be the one that ruins everything. 

He starts taking up cigarettes behind the buildings, smoking his soul away and if that doesn't work, he drowns himself in alcohol hidden in his dressers. The smell of beer was obvious on him but everyone just avoids looking into his eyes, some even talking in indirect ways to make him stop. He doesn't. That only fuels him. He finds pleasure in holding the little stick between his lips and puffing and puffing until he feels like he can float until cloud 9. The alcohol brings him into dreams that he'll never have, a reality that he never got. It is a satisfying feeling so Yixing never stops. 

* * *

Coughing was heard outside Yixing's loud compositions and everyone just gives him loads of medicine and chicken soup because they all thought it was just a cold. Jongin knows better. He sees the blood-shot eyes of Yixing late at night, he knows the black lungs Yixing probably has now because of him. He knows but he doesn't say a word because it's not his business, right?

He knew Yixing would cough up storms because that's what cigarettes do to you, rot away your lungs and mind. But Jongin doesn't say anything because he can't. He only basks in Kyungsoo's attention and love and he forgets all about Yixing's instability. He expected that Yixing would crumble to the ground one day and be rushed to the hospital and probably cough up a storm.

But he never expected Yixing to be coughing up roses. He witnessed it one day while Yixing was breathing in his usual pollution and suddenly starts coughing, Jongin wishes nothing but to leave but he stands there, anticipating Yixing's next move. Yixing coughs and coughs and covers his mouth with his free hand. What Jongin did not expect to see was a fully bloomed rose, as red as scarlet unfolding in Yixing's hands. His favorite flower. It hits him suddenly and Jongin runs and runs and runs. 

As usual, he doesn't say a word.

* * *

It was 1:40 am, that Yixing is rushed to the hospital and he is diagnosed with Hanahaki disease.

They rush him into surgery, frantic movements of the manager and the band members cast Jongin looks. 

It is 8:40 am and Yixing is gone.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo, was that good? i just love angst, it's almost the only thing i can write now  
> i feel like writing a sequel or epilogue or something but eh, i'll leave that for you guys to decide.  
> also; the times i've chosen for for this mean something.  
> 1 and 4 in chinese pinyin, if you change the accents, they mean "should die" or "going to die" depending on the context. in this case, it is the latter. (要死)  
> 8 and 4, i totally actually made this one up bc the first one is a supersition but if you change the accents for this one (like i said, i made this one up, it's not something people associate with the number), it roughly translates to "dead for nothing " or like, "pity that they died" in this context. (白死)  
> ^ if you direct translate it means white death tbh but that's not how i used it.


End file.
